Coming Out:
Tammy's Story
Tammy del Sol was born in Mountain, PA, in 1963 to a Finnish mother and an Arabic father. Her parents practiced different religious; Lutheran and Christian Arabic, respectively. Their family spent most of her time following the Presbyterian faith, but Tammy has since moved on to become a “New Ager”, which involves spirituality and being open to the teachings of all religions due to the various lessons they can teach. She has let her children make their own religious choices, but never wants them to shut themselves off from the possibility of being spiritual.
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“I think it is— the only thing I want to say is I think it is important for gays and lesbians to be out. I think it is crucial to be out. And there are so many— we are talking about complacency, so many gays and lesbians I know who just live this kind of quiet life. I mean, you know, just for the sake of children trying to figure out, that is why I am out you know.” – Tammy del Sol |
Tammy discusses her religious identity as a New Ager and how she practices
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Tammy attended Marist College as she was involved with racquetball as she was a member of the club across the street from the college. She made the national team and competed competitively for 30 years until she had to leave the sport due to the physical toll it took on her. She took a break from college to go on cross-country bike trip in 1983, where she experienced a lot of personal growth. She resumed college at Muhlenberg College on the pre-med track, but soon transferred to Wichita State to help her cousin. Her cousin went to another college, so she stayed at Wichita and finished her creative writing degree. She began to discovery her sexuality at Wichita as she dated guys but found it weird and creepy and was opposed to the heavily patriarchal society of dating as well as life. At the grocery store, she picked up a copy of the movie Desert Hearts which changed her life. This movie showcased a beautiful lesbian love story and changed her life as she began to realize her sexuality. Prior to this, she only had stereotypical ideas of lesbians, but this film helped to dismantle them and show that she could be herself and lesbian. She realized that these feelings were normal and that she wasn’t going to “burn in hell”.
When she finished, her dad asked for help running a restaurant, but it closed down within four months. She went into social work after this and became a supervisor almost immediately but quit after a bad experience. Her dad helped her get into Penn Dental Medicine in Philadelphia. After graduation, she came home and resumed playing racquetball. At this time, she was dating a woman, however, she wanted to wait till she was in a stable relationship before she came out because she knew her parents wouldn’t understand. In 1988, she came out to her parents and was met with ambivalence as her mother asked, “what did I do wrong” and her faither asked, “are you sure you want to go down that road”. Which confirmed that they didn’t really understand it. Tammy continued to engage more with the community at D Gem, a lesbian bar which has since closed.
When she finished, her dad asked for help running a restaurant, but it closed down within four months. She went into social work after this and became a supervisor almost immediately but quit after a bad experience. Her dad helped her get into Penn Dental Medicine in Philadelphia. After graduation, she came home and resumed playing racquetball. At this time, she was dating a woman, however, she wanted to wait till she was in a stable relationship before she came out because she knew her parents wouldn’t understand. In 1988, she came out to her parents and was met with ambivalence as her mother asked, “what did I do wrong” and her faither asked, “are you sure you want to go down that road”. Which confirmed that they didn’t really understand it. Tammy continued to engage more with the community at D Gem, a lesbian bar which has since closed.
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After coming out, she worked at the family dentistry practice but tired of working with her family, so she moved to New Mexico with her then girlfriend. This was short lived as her dad asked her to come back to the practice a few months later and she did, breaking up with her girlfriend in the process. She would eventually take over the practice in 2001 and work on making it a wellness center as well. She focuses on the patient’s experience, the environment of the practice, and creating relationships with patients.
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Tammy discusses how difficult it was to understand her lesbian identity o
her own without role models. |
She came out to her sister in 1986 (prior to her parents), and her sister responded with “I know” and Tammy said that could have saved her from years of therapy, but her sister knew that she would figure it out eventually. Prior to Desert Hearts, Tammy found it difficult to understand this identity with a lack of role models and suffered from a severe depression over these feelings. She had tried to explain these feelings as a child by saying that she, “wanted to grow up and marry a girl”, but her aunt told her this wouldn’t happen. She eventually started playing racquetball to escape this depression as well as her sexuality.
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Tammy discusses realizing her sexuality was normal and a part of her.
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She attended a Lesbian Golf League in Harrisburg, and this is where she met her partner, Jen. They are no longer together, but they have remained close as they have three children together in an extended LGBTQ+ family. Their sperm donor was a gay man, who along with his parent were close with Jen. He passed away from AIDS soon after the child was born, and they eventually had another child with another close friend. Their last child was born after Tammy and Jen split up, but they still parent each of these children with the respective fathers. When the children were born, they became involved with PFLAG [Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays]. Tammy has also been a member of the Gay and Lesbian Business Alliance and when she was at Penn Dental was a part of the Gay and Lesbian Speakers Bureau where she spoke to groups on campus, attorneys, and at the Philadelphia High School.
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She is out to nearly everyone and does not face much discrimination, however, sometimes people are shocked when she tells them she is lesbian. She also doesn’t care if people say things because she minds her own business and lives her life. Her hope for the Harrisburg community is that they start fighting harder and being less complicit in the oppression of others, especially the transgender community which is suffering the most.
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Tammy discusses the initial feeling of coming out versus being out for a while.
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